This one is going to be a personal post. If you are here for the anime content, you rock and I hope to see you tomorrow. Today, I’m going to get a bit honest with all of you.
As some of you may know, I recently lost my beloved dog Buddy and it was just horrible. I spent a week doing considerably more sobbing than anything else. To say I’m over it is a gross overstatement but I am feeling better. After all that’s the deal. You’re born then you die, no way around that. It’s the middle part that matters and I did everything I could to make sure Buddy was happy, comfortable and adored for every second of it.
And that’s all I want to say about that. What I want to talk about is the aftermath.
I’ve always been greedy with my pain. I’m much more willing to share happy moments than difficult ones so I’ve spent my entire life taking these types of events within me and just slowly getting through them in my own time. At the shock of the moment I tweeted out a short message in a haze which I figured I would regret immediately and said a few comments on my blog expecting nothing in particular. Nothing at all in fact. I wanted to forget but I needed to get some of it out.
What I got was a wave of delicate support and love I could never have predicted or had any right to expect. You guys were so consistently kind, caring and just there for me. I got encouraging comments, tweets, dms and even emails for days on end. People took a few minutes off their day just to lend me some cheer. It was and is amazing, and it helped more than I can properly explain.
Like I said, I’m not good at opening up about pain. I’m not that great at opening up in general in fact as I am very very introverted. I know that in the moment, I didn’t manage to tell you how much your efforts have meant to me. I would like to fix that now.
So real talk, nothing can really erase the pain of a loss or do the hard work if mourning and grieving for you. But I never realized just how much help a little sense of community and belonging would be. Even in the worst of it, your messages made me smile. The idea that the world was filled with genuinely nice people kept that little spark if optimism alive in me. It was going to be ok and I m not alone. That simple notion gave me more strength and comfort than anything else.
I don’t want to abuse your goodness and I would hate for you to think I took it for granted. If you got short noncommittal answers from me, it’s not because you did anything wrong, I’m afraid it’s just the best I could manage at the time. I assure you, you were not intruding and your consideration is deeply appreciated.
To be honest, even now I’m not quite sure how to express myself. One of the downsides about being really excited and hyperbolic about everything is that you are at a loss when something truly impactful happens. I don’t think I should be using the same language as when I’m reviewing a reverse harem here…or maybe I should…
I may not know how to finish this post properly. I will most likely never be the type of person who can clearly express emotions in a way humans can understand. That’s why I tend to rely on descriptions of the physical impact said emotions have on me. So here goes. Because you really do mean this much to me, let me relive my worst moments in recent memory. Coming home from the vet, numb and broken, I stopped at the grocery store. I hadn’t eaten in a few days but I had no appetite at all. When I took out my phone there was already a flurry of well wishes on Twitter. I broke down in tears for the first time right in the middle of the store, and I was also hungry. So I got myself a wrap.
When I went to bed, without Buddy for the first time in over a decade, I was taken over by something a bit like fear. I was so exhausted I could hardly think straight but the thought of dreaming was terrifying. So I got my laptop. I’m not sure when I fell asleep but it was while reading your emails. And the dreams were sweet.
I stopped watching anime for a couple of days. I didn’t feel like it. I cooked nonstop with mindless TV as background noise and read countless doujin instead. Discovered a few pretty good ones actually. I didn’t have the drive to keep up with the blog like I usually do. I probably missed a lot of great posts. But I still read the comments, figured it was the least I could do. After a few days I wanted to watch anime again (Shirobako to be precise) and I really wanted to share that with you. see what you thought about it.
My irl friends also went above and beyond to make sure I was ok. Taking turns to keep me distracted and make me feel loved.
I may not know how to say it but I do know that I am very lucky. This may not be much but it’s the only thing I can think of: If ever you need a shoulder, mine are right here and I’ve no clue what to do with them anyways.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank you!